So there I am today, in the gym, all sweaty from my treadmill run. (I know, ladies: makes you all hot & bothered, right? Ever notice celebrities don’t sweat, by the way? Seriously, I saw some picture of Matthew Machaungueney (however ya spell it) out running and his skin was dry as a bone. But I digress.)
I head over to the pec (cuz cool gym folk dudes always shorten “pectoral” to “pec”) machine, once again to sit there in the dire hope that, at one point some day, I will have Matthew Machaunueheyie’s (“gesundheit”) chest and the women will flock to me, unable to resist my chiseled muscular charm.
This machine has the rather unique quality of facing the rest of the weight section rather than the watch-yourself-in-pain mirror. The real bonus to this is that people can both observe the twisted contortions on your face (God help me if the wind changes on me while I’m working on this machine) and take note of the teeny-tiny little weight stack you’re attempting to move and laugh, at least internally.
Okay, they probably don’t, but admit it: if you work out, deep down, in the dark inner recesses of your brain, you think they probably are snickering, just a little.
Anyway, so I’m sitting there on this gym-coach-approved self-torture device, observing the room in general. There aren’t many people there, so it’s hard to avoid the two standing right in front of me.
He: is that chiseled frat boy I remember in college, all tall and handsome and well-coiffed hair and shit. Even sports a small tattoo on one arm cuz, even though he probably works 10 floors up in the corporate office this gym is located in pushing papers all day, he’s still got enough bad-boy/bad-ass-ed-ness enough in him to sport a tattoo.
She: is cute, skinny, tan, maybe-it’s-natural-maybe-it’s-not-blonde, with a radiant smile and teeth that are far and away too white to occur in nature. Surprisingly, she does not wear workout heels, but does seem to have touched up her makeup before getting the workout mat for her stretches.
And she’s smiling and giggling and laughing and positively hanging on every word he says. He, meanwhile, is somewhat aloof, making friendly conversation but seeming to hold a slight air of disinterest. Which, as the conversation continues, seems to only elicit more interest from her.
I drop the weight stack between sets. And pant.
She laughs, probably more so than anyone should at any joke that’s made while both parties are sober.
And I’m sitting there, working through my requisite three sets of torment, watching these two flirt. Watching how he makes some casual comment, watching how closely they stand to each other, how she touches his arm a time or two, how she hangs on everything he says and laughs at his little jokes.
Two thoughts occur to me nearly simultaneously: 1) the vague question of whether or not that will ever occur again to me (at least without the girl being drunk to a point somewhere near alcohol poisoning) and 2) why the hell don’t these two get a room, already? The same two questions that, I think, most single people ask themselves at one time or another.
In other words it was, just a tiny little bit, annoying as hell.
When later on she passed by me and I smiled in greeting, she glanced at me and immediately looked away. She even, and I’m not making this up, rolled her eyes just a little bit. I know it says far more about her than me, but it would’a been nice to have gotten at least the acknowledgment of my presence, or a smile of hello.
Finally, in the middle of my third pec set, they parted. She glanced over her shoulder to watch him as he walked away.
Twice.
I sighed, dropped the weight stack, and moved over to work my tri’s.
Cuz cool gym people don’t call them “triceps”.
The GeekHiker 
Oh, I so, so feel you on this. I would have been having to (barely) contain some eye rolling of my own. Just remember, they are shallow and deserve each other. You will find someone worthy of you too.
By: singlefabulous on May 19, 2008
at 10:39 pm
Heh. You’re either a Steve or you’re a Stu.
It’s worth a click on Netflix if you haven’t already seen it.
By: Phil on May 19, 2008
at 10:47 pm
That was awesome. A completely enjoyable read. I had never noticed the celebrity thing, but I had noticed that girls don’t sweat, and their hair and makeup look great – even though they are at the gym. I happen to be the total opposite – I sweat like a man, and take my makeup off before going to the gym and don’t even bother to look in a mirror as I throw my hair into a ponytail…. As for flirting at the gym… it really is annoying.
By: Aly on May 19, 2008
at 11:38 pm
And that, my friend, is why I affectionately refer to the gym as the meat market. If they’d get out of there and get laid already, perhaps some equipment would free up for me to use.
By: Aaron on May 20, 2008
at 4:53 am
I always wondered why I didn’t go to the gym. Now I know.
By: Homer-Dog on May 20, 2008
at 7:14 am
*gag*
By: just a girl on May 20, 2008
at 7:37 am
Alright my dear…I had to respond to this one, regardless of my head knee deep in a book.
1. If you work out in that gym that’s on that Bravo show “workout” I might just vomit a little bit in my mouth….just saying.
2. You have now affirmed to me that a lot of women out there are a. not from there, and b., want people to think that they are from Southern California, and it’s all “natural”. It’s not.
3. People like that make me gag, and vomit a little bit in my mouth…just sayin’, right before lunch here and all….hehehe…
4. Okay, I can’t say the name of that machine without laughing, so here goes for a great story. I was at the gym one time, ours faced the rowers, which I’m particularly fond of, given the crutches and all. A guy despite me not being interested, tried his best…”I can hit 100 pounds on this, just look.”
The strain on his face….classic.
“what can you do? Let’s just try 25 just to start, you know with you being on crutches and all.”
Hehehe…I did 125, I was in much better shape than. Yea….made me feel good.
He…was not impressed.
By: cripkitty on May 20, 2008
at 8:52 am
Oh wait I forgot something. You don’t want a girl like that honest. Those chicks are like fake from head to toe. You give the impression that either one of two things.
1. You’re looking for an intelligent girl, if I do say so myself. You’re looking for someone that has an intelligent wit, and can pose a good argument, if my armchair psychologist can say so.
2. Or, you’re just like every other guy and are looking for just sex.
It’s hard to say just from the read. 🙂
By: cripkitty on May 20, 2008
at 8:53 am
That was a great recount of bad gym events…and exactly the reason why I keep hand weights under my couch and run on the street. Gym bunnies and meatheads are too much to handle. Plus, I like working out in my pjs with my hair sticking up all over…which I just couldn’t do at the gym.
Next time you see that chick, I think YOU should roll your eyes at HER.
By: Mel Heth on May 20, 2008
at 9:43 am
I really don’t understand why women wear make-up to the gym. Hello? Can we say “clogged pores”?
By: Gabe on May 20, 2008
at 10:48 am
By the time I get to the gym, my make-up is pretty much worn off anyway. For those women for whom it looks freshly applied, I often wonder, WTF? Seriously, you’re going to sweat and it’ll get in your eyes and sting, and really, why do you want to do that?
Ditto for wearing the skimpy outfits and hanging on the words of the muscleheads who typically frequent my gym.
Maybe it’s me, but when I’m at the gym, the last thing I want is to be hit on by a guy when I AM all sweaty, hair messy, and workout tunes blasting in my ear…
By: East Coast Teacher on May 20, 2008
at 1:29 pm
Hmm… I often wear eyeliner on hikes. Is that as bad as makeup at the gym?
By: tgaw on May 20, 2008
at 1:36 pm
ya know, exercise gets the endorphins pumping and sometimes that causes people to feel confident and sexy and excited and prone to a little flirting… is that so bad? i think working out together is a fun date, and flirting is inevitable because both people know they’re making themselves hotter and healther for themselves and for one another.
as far as her rudeness towards you, though, i do like what one previous commenter suggested – roll your eyes at HER next time!
By: charlotte harris on May 20, 2008
at 6:52 pm
SingleFabulous – Thanks, I sure hope so…
Phil – Haven’t seen it, will have to look into it. Thanks.
Aly – Thank you! It can be annoying, can’t it, especially when it’s so obvious!
Aaron – Hah!
Homer-Dog – Ooooh, is that it? 😉
Just a Girl – *snortle*
Cripkitty1 – Your comment cracked me up! Of course, now I’ll never say how many pounds I was doing on that pec fly!
Cripkitty2 – Um…. Am I allowed to want both?
Mel Heth – Sounds good, but running on concrete kills my knees. Heh, I figured either that or I’d just brazenly stare at her chest and really piss her off!
Gabe – It’s only one of the many things I don’t understand about women.
East Coast Teacher – That’s what I always thought; maybe they have sweat-proof makeup. I’ll admit, though, I can’t really complain about the skimpy outfits. 😉
TGAW – It’s not as bad, but it is, in my opinion, just a little odd. Who are you wearing the eyeliner for?
Charlotte – Well, yeah, if I was the one being flirted with, this would be an entirely different post! LOL
By: geekhiker on May 20, 2008
at 7:42 pm
Hi! Just discovered your blog and although I am a new reader I just had to comment on this. Going to the gym always makes me feel as if I’m back in high school watching the popular kids make everyone else feel like crap.
As for the eye rolling, if she does it again laugh at her. I have found that it really throws people off.
Well, my first comment on this site and I’ve already pegged myself as the insecure bitch. Nice.
By: Dingo on May 21, 2008
at 7:45 am
@GeekHiker – heh. For myself– all those self portraits I take. 🙂
By: tgaw on May 21, 2008
at 1:13 pm
Dingo – Thanks for stopping by! I dunno, I don’t think she would be worth the effort of the fake laugh!
TGAW – LOL, I forgot about those! But I think you’d look just as pretty without. 🙂
By: geekhiker on May 21, 2008
at 8:45 pm