(Not sure whether or not to post this. What the heck. Right now, tonight, at this very moment in time, this is where I am. WHO I am.)
Here it is a Friday night.
I’m home alone.
I worked late tonight. Installing a new internet connection and bringing it up after-hours.
I have no plans for the weekend. I have no one to get together with. I asked a few people. Some were busy with family. Most needed their “alone time”. Which sucks, because I really wish I had someone to drink with tonight.
I never heard, of course, back from the 29-year-old. She’s probably out with her new boyfriend, who I’m sure she met while I was out of town over Labor Day. Not the first time I’ve left town and lost the girl. Probably won’t be the last. Or maybe it will be because, honestly, I don’t even want to try anymore.
So here it is. Friday night. Having worked late at a geek job. Watching a show on the Sci-Fi Channel. Facing another weekend alone. Thirty-Five. Single. What few acquaintances I have off having their solo time.
No dates, no girlfriend, no plans, no life. Alone in my apartment writing a stupid blog post.
I am, tonight, at a place I’d hoped never to be in my life.
I am, simply, fulfilling the stereotype.
I am, tonight, not just alone. I am, in fact, lonely.
I am, if not at life, at living, a failure.
I am out of ideas on how to change this, because right now it feels like I’ve tried everything without success.
I can, I think, tonight, only be described by two words.
Epic Fail.
*sigh*
The GeekHiker 
I’m glad you posted this.
I was just thinking that I’m a failure as a relationship woman type person. There must be something about me that renders me undateable. I haven’t been in a real relationship in 4 years. I just wrote a post about all the reasons I like being single. I thought I was being defiant but, after reading your blog entry, I realize I was just rationalizing my existence. I am almost a stereotypical spinster. No cats.
*Sigh*
By: Moshizzle on September 19, 2008
at 11:12 pm
Wait a minute. Having just read through your recent entries, did you try to contact The 29 Year Old again? Do you know for sure that she has recovered from her injury? Maybe she’s waiting for you to reach out and find out if she’s okay?
But yeah, I agree, putting yourself out there sucks. Disappointed rejection is the most bitter pill to swallow.
By: Moshizzle on September 19, 2008
at 11:14 pm
Sorry your weekend has started out to be such a bust. Why is it that my bloggy friends live so far away? If I were there, we’d go to the fair, eat a lot, and then drive past the 29 year old’s house to see if she was home. A few hundred times. Or, with the price of gas maybe only twice.
By: Dingo on September 20, 2008
at 1:34 am
Hugs…
By: lea on September 20, 2008
at 4:40 am
I have moments like this more than I’d like to admit.
Then, I take a step back and tell myself, “I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a warm bed to sleep in, and (in so far as I know) I’m perfectly healthy. There are many, many people in this world far worse off than I. I should quit my bitchin’.”
Sure, I’m 29 and I live at home. I have a Masters degree, am cute, kind, and many other wonderful things.
Life is really not that bad.
And the way I figure it, what with all the crap I’ve gone through in the past 6-7 years, The Guy Upstairs must have something spectacularly wonderful in store for me – like, say, The Man of My Dreams and The Best Teaching Job Ever.
I believe the same to be true for you, as well, my friend.
*Hugs*
By: East Coast Teacher on September 20, 2008
at 4:40 am
Hey, let’s shake up those “old” bones! Depending on your “real” mood;
Try this :
Or this :
By: Gany on September 20, 2008
at 5:38 am
I was going to ask you if you contacted the 29-year-old too – so did you?
Don’t give up, GH – you’re smart, funny, cute (at least you sound cute lol, just go with it..) because when you give up and don’t try anymore, that’s when you’re an epic fail.
*hugs*
By: Wendy on September 20, 2008
at 6:37 am
I’m right there with ya. Sometimes it seems like such WORK to try every day…doesn’t it? Especially when you keep finding yourself on the lonely end of things. It gets hard to shake it off and keep going.
For what it’s worth, you would’ve totally been welcome to join us at the football game last night! Anytime you’re gonna be in the Texas neighborhood, just let me know!
By: Ms. H on September 20, 2008
at 6:57 am
GH is cute! And kind and funny and interesting and smart and sweet and random and adventurous and a fantastic friend who could be a fantastic SO.
Tis truth GH and it’ll come back one day. It’s okay to be dark but do not go completely silent.
Do that and I may fly down and bop you one in the nose.
*HUG*
By: just a girl on September 20, 2008
at 8:07 am
East Coast Teacher has a lot of wisdom;
You know all those must-have lists single people make? Two of mine are “must show interest” and “feel at ease together”….and for me, they’re the hardest to follow. It’s much easier to find someone who is in a similar place in life currently and potential for the future plus cute and funny. ‘Easier’ being a relative term, lol. But I also find *I* am much pickier by applying this standard.
After all why should I invest relationship energy in something that isn’t beneficial? No, this is not a vote for the ‘it’s all about me’ camp; but it *is* one for the I want my life and actions to be useful. And being useful means spending my energies on people that find value in those efforts.
So here’s a (nosy, rhetorical) question, GH: who are the people that define *you* as having a positive impact in their lives? And why do they find you so valuable?
Just my 2cents =)
By: marie on September 20, 2008
at 12:34 pm
I’m with Dingo, I wish everyone didn’t live so far away! Don’t let this weekend get you down, I’m spending my entire weekend in my home eating peanut butter and watching Sex and the City- so you aren’t the only one living a stereotype sometimes! Is there a social club or weekend activity that you could look into that might make it easier to meet new people?
By: brandy on September 20, 2008
at 8:49 pm
I fight those feelings daily… and more even now when I’m at home. I have to constantly tell myself that there must be a reason why everything’s happening the way it is because no one deserves to be lonely. Except maybe serial killers. Which we are not.
& I agree with East Coast Teacher, it also helps to be conscious of all the blessings we have to get a grip.
This might be a low bump on the way, but it’ll pass 🙂 Oh! I have a story about that. I’m gonna go crazy here: when we were going to rock climb the guide gave us a speech that I’m gonna carry with me always. He pointed out the two most important things we needed to know to get to the top: we had to always be sure that there was a way up, if we were climbing too close to the wall, we wouldn’t be able to see it, so we should get back look around and find the way. And we should have just a little more faith. He said people often gave up at some saying that they couldn’t do it, they were too tired and so on, and it was at that moment that he needed us to push just one more time, because that one time would make us realize that we COULD do it and it would be all the difference between “I can not do this!!” and “oh look, I’m doing it!” He said “so please have a little more faith, cause it (the moment of defeat) will pass.”
Sometimes we are too close to the wall to see the possibilities and sometimes it doesn’t hurt to have just a little bit more faith.
I try to remember that often, you know I’m an expert sulker 😉
By: narami on September 20, 2008
at 10:36 pm
Sorry I wasn’t around to lend an ear (or some drinking companionship) — I echo all of the above and I hope that things are looking up!
By: singlefabulous on September 21, 2008
at 1:54 pm
awww, i’m sorry GH. Life is feels sucky sometimes. As much as we tout that our existence isn’t defined by sharing it with another person, it’s ultimately hard to actually live by that.
You found one 29-year-old, there are others out there like her. Nothing wrong with getting tired of putting yourself out there … but you can’t give up.
Maybe you can join some groups around (hiking group? outdoors group? community service group?) and meet new people with similar interests? Or maybe take a fun class (like pottery). The goal would be to just have something consistent to get you out of the house with something concrete to do, but maybe you’ll meet someone special in the process
By: seine on September 21, 2008
at 1:58 pm
My heart hurts reading this. But not because I believe it. Not because I am, by any means, thinking that you could ever fail, should ever be characterized as a failure, or to the outside ever look like one. But out of the piece of me that wants more than anything for you to not feel that way.
If I lived in LA I’d totally be your friend. And hike with you and do nothing with you and all that jazz. From the person I know through here, there’s a whole city of girls & of people that are missing out.
I wish, more than anything, that you would just remember that. Always.
You rock. And no amount of alone time, or loneliness, or lack of dates (believe me, I know) should ever make you feel any less than you are.
By: kristin on September 21, 2008
at 6:36 pm
Some of the craziest, scariest, wildest, strangest, lonliest, longest, quickest, most bizarre things are epic. My brother loves to refer to the mountain climbs we do together as epic. Epic is good. Epic doesn’t last. Its a momentary memory. This time in your life, this moment of feeling failure? It can absolutely be epic. Because epic things are brilliant and you learn from them. Our epic climbs taught me so much as I went on to the next one. And some of them? Not so epic. But the memorable ones? The epic ones? They stick around but for a short while, and then they are just adventures. And good or bad, we think back on those adventures and remember what was epic about them and realize how much we grew through them.
Your epic time will pass. You will learn something. You will trust yourself more the next time. Thats what epics do.
By: Backpackermomma on September 21, 2008
at 7:06 pm
I’m reading all of these comments and hoping that they’re resonating. You are an awesome person and if you have faith, anything is possible.
In the times of my life where I have felt stuck and hopeless, I’ve found that making a big change helps. Doing something a little crazy shifts your focus. Is there something outside of your relationship status that you might like to change? Maybe it’s time for a new job or a new apartment or just a crazy vacation? Who knows where you could land if you shook things up.
On another note – and forgive me for being a crazy cat lady – but have you ever considered getting a pet? Life is so much less lonely when you can come home to a sweet little furry face. And there’s always someone to talk to. I do not know what I would do without my cats. I could see you out on the hiking trail with a cool dog – would your apartment allow it?
I hope that you were able to find some peace and enjoyment on Saturday and Sunday. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this rough time.
By: Mel Heth on September 21, 2008
at 7:51 pm
*hugs*
By: Rachel on September 22, 2008
at 9:46 am
Wait, why didn’t you go out alone? I thought GUYS were allowed to do that and not look like crazy old spinsters?
Although I am married, The Hubster works crazy hours so I have the choice to stay home or go it alone in our new city. I go it alone because its a different experience to do what I want to do on my own terms, though it does get lonely when I have no one to turn to and say “Did you SEE what that guy was wearing??”
Not that you need more advice, but I found a group that is, apparently, all over the country called Meet In. Just a bunch of people doing stuff in town. Not sure if there’s one in your city, but they’re pretty active in Austin: http://meetin.org/
By: thecoconutdiaries on September 22, 2008
at 9:53 am
You are NOT a failure by any means! If you lived within an hour of me you’d just have to call when you need a drinking buddy and by the time you showed up the glasses, snacks and assorted liquid offerings would be waiting! Why not, as others have suggested, join a class or take up a new activity? A book club, a salsa class, a hiking group? You’re fun, interesting and make a mean turkey sandwich!
By: Ruby on September 22, 2008
at 12:21 pm
virtual hug better late than never? i was on mini-vacay in Tampa and didn’t read this until just tonight, i am sorry.
but I am sure if i’d been home in VA, I’d have been alone on Friday night too – i wish wish wish we lived close so we could keep each other company on those single evenings!
i won’t tell ya not to feel lonely, because we feel how we feel and that’s that… but i will tell you that the feeling will not last forever!
By: charlotte harris on September 22, 2008
at 5:29 pm
Moshizzle – I wish I could rationalize things a little better myself.
Moshizzle – I have (see the next post for more). As to what’s going on in her mind, I have no idea.
Dingo – I wish you were here too! I have no idea where she lives and, besides, I’d make a lousy stalker.
Lea – Thanks.
East Coast Teacher – I keep trying to remind myself of the good things you mention, which is why I didn’t say I was a failure at life. The basics of life (job, home, car, etc.) I’m successful at. But living life to it’s fullest? Failure. And I think I’m tired of believing it will change.
Gany – Thanks for the song sharing!
Wendy – I’d been trying to contact her. As for the rest… let’s just say it has appeal right now.
Ms. H – Next time I travel through Texas, I shall give you a call!
Just A Girl – And those were all thoughts she expressed to me, hence my confusion. As for the silence: what if I simply have nothing to say?
Marie – That’s an interesting question. I’ll have to give it some serious thought and perhaps make it a post down the line…
Brandy – It’s a shame you don’t have an AIM account, we might have chatted!
Narami – I love that story. Now if only I could figure out what to have faith in…
SingleFabulous – Maybe next time?
Seine – It is hard to live by that. And the hard part? I’ve never met anyone like her…
Kristin – I appreciate the comment. Sometimes it just becomes hard to not feel this way, you know?
BackPackerMomma – I agree with what you’re saying, but what does one learn from yet another rejection?
Mel Heth – they are to some degree. This funk may simply take more time to shake. As for pets, they aren’t allowed in my place.
Rachel – Thank you.
TheCoconutDiaries – I have a difficult time going out alone, especially as I’m not a big bar/club fan. As for the online meetup groups, I’m in some already. It’s part of the “run out of ideas” thing…
Ruby – You are most kind, and I wish we could be drinking buddies!
Charlotte Harris – No problem on the timing. If you’re ever on AIM on a lonely Friday, let me know and we’ll keep each other company. I hope it doesn’t last forever too!
By: geekhiker on September 22, 2008
at 8:27 pm