Posted by: GeekHiker | May 13, 2010

I Hate That Guy

(I’m sure there’s one at every gym.  Yes, even yours.)

Oh, yeah, we see you.

Don’t worry your pretty little head about that.  We, the average-Joes of the gym, see you every night.

All 6’4”, rugged-yet-cultured handsomeness of you.

Striding through the gym with the kind of looks that make women swoon and steal glances at you like teenagers.

That’s not hyperbole, either.  A born people-watcher, I’ve witnessed this myself.  The shy glances they make, the lingering stares (which, I can only assume, are at your unrealistically toned backside in those way-too-short-to-be-appropriate-gym shorts) as you head for the locker room.

You’re the kind of guy that makes the men in the gym look up to you.  That’s purely a matter of practicality, though: you’re just so darn tall.

I have to ask, and I mean this seriously: except to get the looks of the women and the envy of us regular-Joes, why do you even come to the gym?  You’re already totally and rather insanely in-shape: all frakking ripped muscles, broad shoulders and big biceps and what-not.  Heck, you’re not even there for that long, maybe twenty minutes; barely time enough to break a sweat during your “work-out.”

Not that it’s even really a sweat, for Gawd’s sake.  No, the rest of us sweat.  It drips down our faces and soaks through our clothes, usually in the least-complimentary of spots, and makes us stink to high-heaven.  No, you, you on the other hand develop little more than a lovely sheen that reflects in the light (it’s more of a glow, really) and makes the womens hearts go pitter-pat.

Truth be told though, it wouldn’t bug me too much if you looked like Quasimodo.  But the rest of us average-Joes don’t even get that.  Instead, we get to see your chiseled, straight-outta-GQ facial structure and perfectly-coiffed hair every night as well.  I should clarify, though, that while perfectly coiffed, the hair is not quite flawless.  Nope, it’s tussled just a little bit, just enough to show the effort you’ve been putting in, just enough that I see every woman in the place wanting to help you straighten it out.  I’d accuse you of doing it on purpose, but I’m sure it just comes naturally to you.

At least, from what I can tell as my sweat-soaked hair drops flat on my head giving me the worst looking helmet-hair in the world.

And the upshot is this: I’ll bet you’re even that most horrible of things: a genuinely nice guy.  Unassuming.  Humble.

You’re probably friendly to everyone you meet, from the millionaire to the homeless, from the handsome to the ugly.  You love children, work for charities, feel camaraderie for all your fellow man.  Success has come your way, naturally, but you know deep down that it’s only through your efforts and has nothing to do with your looks, height, or ripped physique.

So you nod hello as you pass by us regular-Joes, and we nod back, and all is as it should be in the world.

It’s a good thing you don’t smile, though.

Cuz we average-Joes kinda hate those awesomely perfect teeth too.

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Responses

  1. A well written and amusing passage!

    I do wonder if the women are looking at him as much as you think.

    When I’m at the gym, the competitiveness in me has focusing on the other *women*. “How much weight is she lifting? Is it more than me? How many push-ups was that? Damn, I can only do 10.”

    : )

  2. When I did go to the gym I would have guys like that on the tread mill next to me. I would do everything I could to outrun them. Just show them that the pudgy short little girl was better than him. Of course I also did that when Malibu barbie was running on the next treadmill…..

  3. OK OK!!! I’ll stop going to you gym. Sheesh!

  4. a) I loved this and I haven’t decided why yet.
    b) I feel the same way towards those beautiful-without-effort girls that dare walk around.
    c) just FYI, that kind of big, ripped, super sculptural body is not very attractive to some women, like me. (I like lean rather than muscle-y. Not that if a perfectly nice guy happens to be all big and muscle-y I’m going to ignore him.)
    d) Not in topic, but I think I hate gyms in general.

  5. It’s nice that you’re able to humorously put into words what the rest of us are thinking/feeling when we see those too-perfect guys and gals.

  6. This is one of my favorite posts. And I also often wonder how they keep those rock-hard abs with only 20 minutes in the gym. Maybe they have one of Chuck Norris’s at home gyms and they go to the gym just to allow us the opportunity to bask in their presence.

  7. Little do the swooning women know that Mr. Perfect is probably gay… 🙂

  8. LOL — this is one of the funniest posts ever! Now, just imagine how I feel seeing the female version of him (the lean, perfectly sculpted, statuesque…)! Like Narami said, Fabio is not attractive to every woman (e.g., not my type). To each their own!

    I suggest that you cancel your gym membership (you live in sunny LA for God’s sake!! :-)) and run on the beach (you will only see beach babes)! A change of perspective!

  9. so, what gym is this? because i may have to join. just kidding. sort of…

  10. And they are why I don’t like the gym. Pavement and sneaks for me thanks.

  11. In a lot of ways we have genetics to thank/blame – we all tend to fall into one of three general body types:

    http://www.bodybuildingpro.com/bodytypeinformation.html

    The ‘three types’ are a generalization of course, as a lot of us tend to be a mix of a couple of the types. Your guy probably got lucky genes. Either that or a suitcase full of steroids 😀

  12. And so my reply seems to have been eaten and I can’t be bothered typing it all again. Instead I will just post this link…

    http://www.bodybuildingpro.com/bodytypeinformation.html

  13. K said exactly what I was going to say – imagine looking at the female equivalent. For the record, that’s totally NOT the guy I go for anyway. I don’t want Mr. Abs. I want someone who can smile at me and mean it. Their teeth do not have to be perfect. (just clean) 🙂

  14. Oops, that “me” post above was me.

  15. Your blog is frakking awesome. I’m glad that I accidentally found it. 🙂
    It amuses me to no end that you use frak in your entries. (Yes I was a huge fan of BSG.. hence the “last supper” poster of BSG is in my office teehee). ’nuff said.

  16. I do have to admit there is a guy that runs by the lake that I physically stop what I am doing to look at him. I cannot close my mouth or blink when he is around. It’s amazing….what was I saying? Oh, yeah, those guys that work out for 20 minutes at a time are guys that work out 9 times a day, have mega bottles of protein shakes in their car, and only eat skinless chicken breasts. I don’t like boys that are more high maintenance than me. So, while we may ogle and stare, we prefer to snuggle with the helmet heads– mainly because we don’t enjoy resting our heads on skin-covered rocks.

  17. Eh, too tall.

  18. TGAW – I wouldn’t be surprised that women look at their own gender more. I will say this, though: girls who never make eye contact with me somehow manage to “accidentally” make eye contact with him on a regular basis!

    Jean – Did you succeed? And, philosophically speaking, how do you outrun someone on a machine that never goes anywhere? Ponder that one. LOL

    Homer-Dog – Thanks! All us Average Joes would appreciate it!

    Narami – How about lean with less-than-a-six-pack. Do women go for those too?

    MissesM – Glad I’m not alone!

    Dingo – I prefer to think that they’re naturally gifted, and that someday those gifts will turn on them and they’ll be old and ugly. ‘Tis to dream…

    Mel Heth – LOL

    K – I’m guessing we all feel about the same about those “perfect specimens.” I think they only let the perfect bods on the beach down here too!

    BlakSpring – I’ll send you the address. Though all the Average Jenny’s will hate me for it, and you’ll have to withstand the stares of us Average Joes!

    JustAGirl – Sounds good for running, but what about strength training? Or do they leave random weight-lifting equipment around in Canada for everyone to use?

    SJ – I’m crossing my fingers for the cheating drugs…

    SJ – Sorry ‘bout that. WP tends to react to links as being spam, but I un-spammed ya. 🙂

    Me – But are you opposed to staring at Mr. Abs? That’s what I thought. 😉

    Spleeness – Ooooh. *grin*

    Elaine – Welcome to the blog, and thanks for the compliment!

    TheCoconutDiaries – “skin covered rocks” – lol

    AbsurdBeats – Well, at least he has ONE flaw!

  19. Running gives me biceps so I am good 😛

  20. I agree with Mel … plus these too good to be true looking guys are usually making up for a small …

  21. LOL @ HD

  22. For the record, I would take a “regular joe” over that Greek God any day of the week! 🙂


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