Posted by: GeekHiker | July 30, 2010

Mr. Perfect Teeth

Somewhere out there, this guy exists, I’m sure of it.

I’m thinking he probably (hopefully) suffers from a case of OCD.

He’s that guy with the amazingly, astoundingly, must-be-see-to-be-believed… perfect teeth.

He’s one of those guys who brushes and flosses every day without fail.  In the morning when getting up.  At night before bed.  In between meals.  In between courses.  In between bites.

And he enjoys it, the snarky bastard.  Loves that feeling of freshly clean, sparkly white teeth.

I’ll just bet he’s a smiler as well.

You know the type I’m talking about: one of those who goes through his day facing every person and problem with a biiiiig grin on his face.

Probably says “a smile is frown turned upside down!” a lot, too.

He’s the kind of guy that looks forward to going to the dentist.  He lives in anticipation of that extra level of cleanliness that only scraping and polishing can give.

And he can’t wait for the reaction.  Just. Can’t. Wait.

Just can’t wait for that moment when the dentist, being unable to criticize, to chide for not brushing and flossing enough, to warn and threaten of a future filled with cavities and fillings and caps and crowns and dentures, is rendered completely… speechless.

He’s the type that pats the dentist on the shoulder.  Says “thanks, Doc!” and pays his bill happily.

Flashing those pearly whites to the receptionist while doing so, no doubt.

I’m sure this guys exists.

But I?  No, I am not that guy.

I brush and floss as regularly as I can, and do a fair job of it.

But I still squirm when sitting in the chair and a sharp metal tool is poked straight into my gums.

Which is what happened today.

And no, I was not smiling.

And, yes, I still got the speech.

And, yes, I thanked my dentist.

Don’t know that I was smiling, though.  Probably more of a half-smile-slash-grimace.

I’m not Perfect Teeth guy but I can claim to be cavity free.

Just don’t ever ask me to be happy about sitting in that chair, m’kay?

The real question is: if I ever meet Mr. Perfect Teeth, who smiles and tells me to turn my frown upside down, can I be forgiven for wanting to knock out an incisor?



  1. i have never seen this man. does he live on the west coast?

    i haven’t been to the dentist in a few years (hanging head in shame) mainly because i’ve never had a cavity and with each visit i run the risk of finding out that i finally got one. so i try to avoid it instead. not a good strategy in the long run…

  2. Congrats on the no cavities.

    Must be that time of year – the Wife and I both just made out appointment for the dreaded chair. I know this sounds sick, but I usually come very close to falling asleep in the dentist chair.

  3. OK, I meant “Made our” not “Made out” – talk about a Freudian slip.

  4. i met mr perfect teeth guy… on a lonely trail ten miles from the nearest paved road…
    he flashed those perfectly straight pearly whites at us, as he said… “no one’s going where i’m going” …
    and he creeped the heck out of me!

  5. Very few people have naturally perfect teeth like that. I bet Mr. PT had braces, jaw surgery and wears a retainer at night which is how he got so particular about his teeth.

    I enjoy brushing and flossing! It is very satisfying! 🙂

    Have you heard Bill Cosby’s set The Dentist?

  6. With your luck, his incisors are made of antimantium and you’ll hurt yourself trying to knock them out.

  7. He’s probably also the guy who likes to go around telling people to “Smile!” I hate that guy.

  8. Pat loves the dentist and brushes and flosses twice daily religiously. But he’s not a smiler and he would NEVER say that quote. So he’s not the “guy” but he still annoyingly likes the dentist. (‘cept we don’t pay our a cent :))

  9. Dude, even Clooney doesn’t have perfect teeth. And he’s perfect. I think Mr. Perfect Teeth probably has caps.

    The other copywriter at my work has very nice teeth and she brushes them at least twice a day AT WORK. It’s highly annoying…

  10. Sock it to him if you ever meet him! I brush once a day most days (yes, a bit ashamed to admit that sometimes I forget or am too tired or got out of bed too late), and floss once every other week or so. I’ve kept this hygiene schedule for as long as I remember.

    Still, while in the chair, I always claim to floss every other day. Once, I got greedy and told the hygienist that I floss EVERY DAY.

    Her response? A very enthusiast, head-nodding, “wow, I can tell!!”

    Go figure

  11. you know, your own teeth are pretty sparkly white, Mr. GH.I know that was like the first thing I saw 🙂

  12. BlakSpring – I’ve never him either, but I’m sure he’s out there somewhere… I had a run without the dentist for a while. Hope you find a good one soon!

    Homer-Dog – Thanks. And, yes, that’s pretty sick.

    Piper – That would be creepy! Sounds like a good start to a novel, though…

    MissMcCracken – Nah, I’m sure they’re natural, just to make the rest of us feel bad. But to enjoy brushing and flossing? That’s nuts!

    TheCoconutDiaries – Probably true…

    Dingo – I hate that guy too!

    Char – Yeah, yeah, rub in your public health care. 😉

    MelHeth – Does she brush them at her desk?

    Seine – Even though I now floss every day, I’m fairly convinced that the dentist doesn’t believe me!

    MissMcCracken – Nah, didn’t happen.

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