Posted by: GeekHiker | December 31, 2010

Divided

As I look at the end of 2010, I find I feel divided.

Well, divided and a bit depressed.  I’m hoping that I can chalk that up to the stress of the holidays and the lack of light due to winter.  Given that I already wrote about it last year (at least I think I did, but I’m far too lazy to look it up right now), I suspect that a bit of seasonal affective disorder is going to play a role in my life going forward more and more fully.

As for feeling divided, I’m finding I’m more and more torn between needs and wants.

I want, for example, to be out hiking more.  Photographing more.  Traveling more.  Writing more.  Blogging more.

Instead, I’m staring down a January that will involve working more.  Studying more.  Sitting in class more.

Of course, I don’t know of anyone that truly reaches that balance between work and play.  Given the choice, I’m sure most of us would love to toss off the shackles of reality (or at least rent payments) and pursue our interests.  For most of us of course, not having been lucky enough to be born to wealthy parents who would fund such indulgences, that’s not an option.

Mel Heth has, over the course of a couple of posts where I talked about all the testing and such, questioned the things I’ve been doing lately.  The honest truth is: I have no idea if I’m doing the right things right now or not.  Like most people, I’m making things up as I go along, constantly working and re-working my plans.  Or maybe I’m in the minority.  Perhaps everyone has a solid foundation and a solid plan, does and pursues exactly what they want in life, and I’m just the idiot in the crowd who doesn’t have a clue.

Even if that’s the case, I don’t know what the alternative is to continuing to plug away in the hopes that at some point it will lead to something better.  If there’s one thing I’m well aware of at this age, no one’s coming along to give me anything.  No one is going to drop from the heavens to give me the ideal job (with great pay, natch), no Ms. Wonderful (sorry Mel) is going to swoop into my life to give me balance, and the five dollar lottery ticket Dad gave me for Christmas didn’t have any winning numbers.

What that leaves me with is the knowledge that I just have to keep going in the hopes (the fervent, fervent hopes) that it’s all leading towards some greater goal, even if I don’t know what that goal may ultimately turn out to be.

Whether that thought is a positive or negative one, I haven’t decided.  I suppose that it could be looked at either way, and I leave it to the reader to decide how they themselves feel on the subject.

For myself, at least I will be ending the year on a high note.  I don’t know that it will relive the light-deficit blues of the moment, but I will be spending this New Years in the company of friends, and that’s certainly nothing to shake a stick at.

Whether I decide to be moderate or get drunk off my proverbial ass remains to be seen. 😉

Happy New Year.

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Responses

  1. Happy new year GH. 🙂

    As with you I so make things up as I go along, hoping I make the right choices and hoping for more. Who knew meeting blog Boy would turn in to husband?! And who knows if schooling/work/life decisions are the right ones; really choices just seem right at the time.

    I think you are great and feel lucky to call you friend. I wish nothing but the best for you in this next year and all the years that follow.

  2. If you ask anyone if they know where their life is headed and they reply yes, they either lie or have had their life planned for them (usually not a good thing). We are all stumbling around life like a blind man in a hall of mirrors – the truth is all around us but we can’t see it and even if we could get a glimpse, we would only be confused.

    Hike on my friend.

  3. Well, to quote from a book I read a while ago: “The only way to go on is to go on. To say I can do this even when you know you can’t.” I think it’s a simple but profound truth, one that most of us don’t feel at peace with. No matter, it’s another year! Best wishes to you!

  4. I think plans just give us a sense of security, but really life is too unpredictable to stick to one straight plan of action.

    Life is too short to wait for the things we want. 🙂 Good luck in the new year!

  5. If everyone had there shit together, there’d be no blogs. No one has their shit together. If you can do 2 of the things on your list, look back on a year with a smile, look at your phone and see the number of at least 3 people who make your laugh; you’re going just fine buddy.

  6. I don’t know anyone who feels they’re exactly where they want to be. I don’t know anyone who is not struggling in some way or other. It actually sounds like you’re doing better than most because too many accept their lot and don’t realize drive is slowly draining out of them until too late. You’re taking steps to make things better. You won’t have that time you need right away, but eventually this will pay off.

  7. Your post reminded me a little of a quote I saw recently because you mention the challenges that end most dreams before they even begin:

    “I mean no particular dream, you understand, but the whole radiant flock of them together—with their rainbow wings, iridescent, bright, soaring, glorious, sublime. They are dying before the steel javelins and arrows of a world of Time and Money.” -Barbara Follett

    I am so glad you’re still trying. 🙂

  8. I have the same problem with balancing my needs and wants… I want to be working out more, doing more Taekwon Do, and spending more days out bush-walking, beaching, and scuba-diving. BUT I need to finish my degree, and I need to work to pay the rent and all the associated bills. Blah.

    I can tell myself that I’m working towards a solid goal, achieving greater future opportunities, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. I still don’t want to be at work!

  9. Sorry I’m late to the party! If I had known I was called out here, I would have tried to get all my blog reading done last week like a good girl.

    The only reason I posed questions to you is because you sounded sort of miserable buried under all that studying. And I don’t really believe that misery is the way to spend your days. But I understand that you’re working toward a larger goal and maybe this is just the price you have to pay. I’m a pleasure junky. I want joy in as many moments I can find it – and of course I want the same for my blog friends. Just poking at you to see if maybe there was some other area you’d rather dwell in that would make you happier than you seem to have been lately.

    Hopefully I’ll read a post on here where you’ve passed your test and are ecstatic about it. You deserve happiness, my friend. Even if it seems out of reach sometimes.

  10. I get this, but I also wonder if we don’t throw ourselves off by setting “needs” (urgent Will Robinson!) against mere “wants”. Yeah, rent versus 12-yr old single malt scotch might be want-vs-need, but it doesn’t make sense to pitch what keeps you going against what keeps you going.

    In other words, some things that you’ve labeled wants might really be needs, for who YOU are.

    That doesn’t necessarily make things easier, but it might give you permission to say “I need a hike”, and then to take the time out for that hike, for yourself.

    Anyway. Hope you had a good new year’s.

  11. Happy new year GH! I struggle with some of the same things that you mention, but I realize that you can only do so much without spreading yourself so thin. I often spend too much time focusing on perfection and worried about everyone else’s happiness: being the perfect friend, employee, daughter, hostess, etc that I lose sight of what is important and burn myself out, without allowing myself a moment to breathe or enjoy the things that make me happy. My plan is for the now and really doesnt go much further than that, yes I know that’s scary but I am enjoying what I have so far, so please take some time out for yourself, you deserve it!

  12. The nice thing about not really knowing where you’re going is you’re not disappointed when where you thought you were going isn’t where you end up. You dig?

  13. […] the original post: Divided Posted in General Tags: alternative, christmas, ending-the-year, holidays, hopes, knowledge, […]

  14. I hear ya, GH. It’s hard to see the forest for the trees some days. I wish I could offer more than that, but it seems my workaholic nature has rendered me ineligible for offering ANYONE advice about finding balance. (giggle)

  15. Just A Girl – Happy New Year to you too! Yeah, not being able to tell the future is a real drawback, isn’t it? LOL Thanks for the compliment, I enjoy your friendship too!

    Homer-Dog – I dunno. There are a lot of very successful people who have a lofty goal and single-mindedly have worked to achieve it, you know?

    SkyBlueStateOfMind – I wish I felt as confident as the author of that piece that I can do it!

    MissMcCracken – I could use a little more security, methinks.

    JENNeralizations – That’s and awesome statement! Quick, find the guy who has his shit together, so we can all flame his blog.

    Spleeness – I hope it pays off. I do sometimes feel like the drive is fading, though…

    Spleeness – And I’m glad you’re still boosting me!

    LeafProbably – Yeah, that whole rent thing is such a pain! I sometimes think it would be easier if I didn’t have to work, and just study all the time, but ‘tis not to be…

    Mel Heth – LOL, sorry, didn’t mean to “call you out!” I know where you’re coming from, and you’ve mentioned your “pleasure junky” thing before. I wish I could figure out some way to make a living doing nothing but the things I like, but I haven’t managed to yet. *sigh*

    AbsurdBeats – Sage, advice my friend. I am committed this year to getting out on the trail a bit more… at least on the few free days I have!

    Ruth – Interestingly, at the moment, I’m not particularly worried about everyone else’s happiness: all of these things are pressures I’m lumping on myself. On the plus side, it means I have no one but myself to blame!

    Charmacc – Hmmmm… I guess that all depends on where I end up!

    Ms. H – LOL – at least we can commiserate!

  16. you always get such insightful and supportive comments. if i wasn’t completely sleep-deprived and weeks behind everyone’s blogs, i would write something insightful too. but with mush for brains all i can manage right now is, hang in there and try to make some time for yourself and what you enjoy, even if it’s not as much as you wish.


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