Posted by: GeekHiker | July 21, 2011

The Journal: September, 2010

My life, as I wrote on the blog, has become something of a rut.  It seems that all I do now is work and study.  Monday through Friday: work.  Monday through Thursday evenings, plus Saturday days: I study.  Right now, only Friday evenings and Sundays are free, when I’ve allowed myself a mental break.

This is how it’s going to be for a while, I think.

I’ve found myself pushing much harder studying this book.  Much more diligent about pushing my way through the chapters.  Don’t know quite why.  Maybe I’m just inspired by the fact that I passed the first test.

Or maybe I just want to get it done.

[If I ever do pass that test, I’m burning that damn book.  Just ‘sayin.]

* * *

Work is pushing me to the limits lately.

Not so much the job, I know now, as much as the environment.  If all there was was the current task of configuring the new computers, that would be one thing, but it’s not.

The growing ineptitude of management is adding to the stress.  This, I think, is part of what’s adding fuel to the studying: rather than simply being angry and frustrated with management, I pour that energy into a couple of hours of studying each night.

[Huh.  I’m sure I’m the only person in the world who has ever felt that management made bad decisions, right?]

It’s more productive than coming home each night and reading for pleasure or bombing out on the TV, for sure.  But a whole lot less fun as well.

Undeniably, I’d rather be pouring my energies into reading about history or water policy or the like.  Or, better than that, planning the trip.  I’m finding, though, that these things are too much of a distraction.

So I have my Sundays off.  Don’t blog, only watch a few shows on TV, and limit myself to short magazine articles rather than lengthy books.

And try to remind myself that this is all feeding into some loftier goal.

[Ironically, it’s proven to be a difficult habit to break.  There’s a whole part of me that, now that I’m not working, wants to spend full days studying for another examination.  Go figure.]

* * *

[I should predicate this part by saying that in between this post and the last, the girl had been looking at taking a job that would have her working weekends, making seeing each other difficult.]

The girl took the job.  She now works weekends, making our schedules nearly impossible to align.  She was sick, too, and as I write this, we haven’t spoken/written/texted in over a week.

I wonder if this is the beginning of a slow fade away.  Not entirely sure how I feel about it.  On the one hand, I miss her company, as she was quite a lot of fun.  On the other, I have no idea how serious she and I became.  Did it have potential to be serious, or were we just each others summer fling, or was it somewhere in between the two?

Yet, I can’t find myself stressing about it.  Or maybe it is, along with work and studying, contributing to an overall level of stress.

[The latter, definitely the latter.  At this point, I had no idea how she viewed me.  Heck, still don’t.  It’s always so difficult to tell, in those early stages, exactly what each party is looking for.  Clarity would come later.]

* * *

What I do know is that I can’t keep this pace up forever.  It’s fine for now, so long as I’m progressing towards a goal.  As long as that progression is ongoing, even all the stuff that’s up in the air isn’t too much to deal with.

The stress is there, though, and it feels continuous.

And that’s no way to live.

[I think I touch on this later in more detail, but this time also made me ponder the IT career choice.  Since certifications are more or less something that has to be done throughout one’s career, it brings up the obvious question: is it worth it to go through this kind of self-torture for one’s career?]

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Responses

  1. I don’t think self-torture is ever worth it! Unless the payoff is something you absolutely love and adore…which I don’t think you really feel about IT. If you were studying for some sort of hiking guide job, then maybe I’d buy into the torture being worth it.

    My coworker and I were just chatting this week about how pervasive stress is in America. It’s so different in Europe. I hope that one day we Americans all realize that the more-more-more mentality doesn’t suit us. That less is more – and less stress is much better for us.


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