Posted by: GeekHiker | July 26, 2011

The Journal: December, 2010 (1)

I seem to have a problem of motivation, of late.  I don’t know why.

Today, a Sunday, is a perfect example.  I had lots of ideas on what to do today, but couldn’t settle on anything.  Instead, I putzed around until noon, deciding and then undeciding on things to do, but ultimately accomplishing nothing until, at least, hunger drove me out of the house.

Which led me to a fast food place (where, for the record, I had a terrible chicken sandwich), then to coffee and, ultimately, to the park where I now sit and write this.  Where I will go after this, and what I will do, I haven’t a clue.

It all goes back to feeling, ultimately, unmotivated to do much of anything.  Whether this is caused by the stress of work, or being dumped by the girl, of failing the test, I’m not entirely sure.  Perhaps it’s a combination of all three.

Speaking of the test, I can’t seem to get particularly motivated to take it again.  I’ve been studying here and there, but after 2 ½ months ultimately amounted to nothing (and remembering the difficulty of the test questions), it’s hard to conjure up much motivation to subject myself to another test.

[I am just not built for test-taking, let’s face it.]

I suppose I should, though.  Even I know that, if I don’t try to take the test again, that 2 ½ months really WOULD be wasted.

The more I study, though, the more I find myself wondering if this is the career path I truly want.  Of course, the test itself skews that thinking; in the real world, there’s just no way the job would involve so many subject areas simultaneously.  That knowledge, of course, feeds back into my ultimate distaste for tests: there’s little connection between the testing material and the real world.

That said, I can’t ignore the reality that having those qualifications at the top of the resume are the key to getting in the door much of the time.  Whether or not that’s a door that I want to open, I don’t know.

But I want to have the key, just in case.

[That’s the catch-22 of the situation: I have the years of practical experience, but the certifications are what get put into job site search engines.  The unfortunate truth is that our search-engine driven world is changing things, and it’s becoming less about who you know and the experience you have and more about the keywords on your resume…]

* * *

I still haven’t un-friended the girl on FaceBook.  I don’t know why.

By all rights, I should.  Especially after reading her Thanksgiving post where she gave thanks for her “wonderful boyfriend.”  No so much because it makes me angry at her.  No, the bigger question is: seriously, who needs to read that shit?

Overall, though, I only feel somewhat bad about the whole situation.  I think the thing that makes me feel the worst is her chosen method.  Admittedly, there isn’t ever really a GOOD way to dump someone but, still, not even to be told?

It’s hard not to feel like that’s a slap in the face of being human.

[In context, I suppose even being dumped by email or text is the warm and fuzzy way to do it now.]

* * *

So, where does that ultimately leave me?

Exactly where I shouldn’t be: thinking about the 29-year-old.

I wonder if that’s my destiny: every time something goes wrong with a woman, my mind will cast back to the one time it ever seemed right.

Odd, needless to say.

[Ultimately, I think I exorcised that demon by writing about it on Rachel Machachek’s website.  Since it was posted, I haven’t thought of her really at all since.]

* * *

The thing is, I’m not the same man I was then, for good or for ill.  I am cautious, now.  No longer the hopeful romantic.  I no longer open my heart, no longer lower my defenses, no longer trust.  Maybe that’s why events with Summer Girl didn’t feel so bad: I never allowed myself to be that open to the situation in the first place.

Whether that’s a good or bad thing… I don’t know.

[There’s a fine line between being too open and being too cautious.  What a shame, then, that I tend to hang out at the extremes…]

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Responses

  1. I think if I was just dumped through Facebook, failed a test, and hated my job, I would just want to take a mental health day and watch Firefly all day with a big cuppa tea.

  2. Okay I just read your post on Rachel’s blog. I think the 29 year old died. Seriously – that’s way to crazy to just end so abruptly. Have you googled obituaries?

    I know you hate my Penny Positive advice, but I would say that it’s okay to go back to the 29 year old every time you go out with someone else. At least that means you KNOW what you’re looking for. Now you just need to believe it’s out there waiting for you to find it again. You deserve it. I think you could manifest a whole new 29 year old on your travels if you wanted to.

  3. “I am cautious, now. No longer the hopeful romantic. I no longer open my heart, no longer lower my defenses, no longer trust.”

    I see this philosophy calling to me, telling me it will be safer this way. But isn’t that in essence giving up on the goal of “true love”, if that even exists? Who was right, Marianne or Eleanor? I feel like Marianne trapped inside Eleanor’s demeanor. Don’t we secretly think that falling in love has its own schedule and if it has to be tempered then it’s not the way it was meant to be? Or are thousands of books and poems on love just wrong. I can just take your strategy and be non-attached ‘next time’, or play the game of being unaffected, or be myself and have my heart broken again. no forth option it seems.


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