Posted by: GeekHiker | June 14, 2007

To Live & Drive In LA

A witty post.  Or at least an attempt at a witty post.  Because I need one.  And it’s friday.

A few rules I’ve discovered whilst living and driving in LA:

1.  You own the road.  All yours.  You paid for it with your taxes, so it’s yours.
2.  No one else owns the road.  You do not have to share.  They paid their taxes for your road.  Generous, of them, eh?
3.  All the other drivers are idiots, you’re the only intelligent one out there.
4.  Plus, you have the reflexes of a jungle cat, so feel free to tailgate.
5.  No one else needs to be anywhere as quickly as you.  The rest of us just enjoy sitting in traffic and should be ashamed of ourselves that we are interrupting your important journey.
6.  Driving on the highway = playing bumper cars.  It’s just a larger amusement park ride, really.
7.  Per number 6, just drive down the freeway moving in and out of traffic freely.  If you drive fast enough, it’s like an obstacle course.  Or a video game.  With 4,000 lb. hunks of metal and plastic moving at 70 mph.  Clearly, nothing to worry about.
8.  Turn signals are for pansies.  Just move into the lane whenever you want, others will move out of the way for you.
9.  If they honk, it’s because they forgot rule number 1.
10.  When changing lanes, make sure to telegraph your move by moving 1 foot into the lane for a half mile (minimum) before actually changing lanes.
11.  Don’t know which lane you want?  No problem, just drive with half of your car in each lane!
12.  If someone is signaling to move in front of you in traffic, speed up.  Under no conditions let them in ahead of you.  Never give up valuable lane space.
13.  12 also applies if someone is trying to merge onto the freeway in front of you.
14.  12 & 13 are especially applicable if traffic is moving less than 5 miles an hour, because that 15 extra feet makes a lot of difference.  It puts you 15 feet closer to home than them.  If you let even one car in front of you, you will be home one half hour later, minimum.  Really.  Trust me.
15.  The only exception to 12 is if you are able to perform your requisite daily “grand gesture of kindness”.  If someone is waiting for fast-moving traffic to clear to pull out of a parking lot, stop your car, and graciously wave your fellow driver into traffic.  Ignore the resulting four-car pile-up behind you.  You’ve done your good deed, your conscience is clear.
16.  Right-hand-turn-only lanes?  Your chance to get ahead.  Just go down to the end of the lane, but don’t turn right.  Stop, let four cars back up behind you.  Then, as the light changes, just punch it and go straight, cutting in front of the guy on your left.  You might get five cars ahead…until the next red light.  Repeat if needed.
17.  Never, never drive around the block.  If you’re exiting a corner business and need to turn left, make sure all six lanes of traffic have to stop just to let you through.  Remember rule number 1.
18.  If you need to enter a business on the left corner just on the opposite side of an intersection, stop and wait for traffic to clear to make your turn.  That traffic blocking the intersection behind you, then blocking the cross traffic?  Not your problem.  You have every right to your Slushee.
19.  Never just honk your horn.  Lay on it for a while.  A good long while.  Make sure they know you mean it.
20.  If the guy in front of you isn’t making the right turn on red fast enough for you, honk your horn.  It doesn’t matter that you can’t see around the corner to know what he might hit, it’s your job to tell him how to drive.  After all, you know best.
21.  In parking lots, the closest space is the most valuable. Nobody walks in LA, it’s against the law.
22.  Rule 21 is even more true in parking garages.  Always wait for the space on the lowest floor, even if three floors of empty parking above you.  It’s best to do this at Christmas, when you can stack 10 or more cars behind you while waiting for the golden spot.
23.  Any place in LA is only 20 minutes away.  Even when it’s three hours away.
24.  Gesture rudely to anyone who makes a mistake in front of you.  You, of course, having never made a mistake behind the wheel of a car at any point in your entire life, should feel completely comfortable with the gesture.
25.  It’s a war out there.  You against them.  Winner take all.  Therefore: the only rule you really need to remember is Rule number 1.

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Responses

  1. It seems all Toronto drivers took drivers ed in LA then!

  2. OMG, rule #17… my favorite… I think about this one constantly and I feel like nobody else does. Glad to know you and I, at least, are solid on this one!

  3. Are you ABSOLUTELY sure you were not driving in Boston this morning? Nope wait, there was no mention of trains in the middle of the road. For a moment there I was confused.
    Hilarious post though.


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