The GeekHiker

I feel… odd.

These past few weeks I’ve felt… I don’t know.  Like I’m on the verge of something, though I know not what.

I’m probably a couple of weeks away from taking the next exam.  If, and it’s a big if, I should pass it, I’ll go back to studying for the one I failed a few months back. I don’t know how long that might take because I don’t know how much I’ve retained.

But I’ve decided that that’s it.  I can’t do any more.  I’m burnt.

[And, as it turned out, I couldn’t even do that…]

I also do know where I’m going.  Sure, having this stuff on the resume is great.  But as I sat in front of the computer a couple of weeks ago, failing a practice test, I nearly lost it.  Almost had a panic attack because I kept thinking “I don’t want to do this.”  I don’t want to spend the next forty working years torturing myself, taking exams year after year.

Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this process, it’s that I’m a lousy test-taker.

Maybe it would be different if I were at a different job.  One that encouraged learning, wanted me to be certified, understood that I could drive that knowledge back into the company.  But at my current job, that’s not the case.  They discourage training because they fear the trained will leave.

They fail to realize that the opposite is true.  That it’s easy for me to leave.  I don’t owe them anything.

I joked with a friend (via text) who doesn’t know my plans about quitting and traveling.  He joked that I already have.  Maybe its true.  I go in, do my best work, try to keep the network running at a professional level, but by hearts not in it.  I don’t care about the company.  Any why should I?  They don’t care about me.

[The funny thing is, given the way I work, from the company’s perspective there’s no difference: I did my job as best and professionally as I would have even if I loved the place.  Some may disagree, but I just can’t in good conscious do poor work when it’s my job.]

I keep thinking about traveling.  This is silly, because in doing so I’m bypassing all the things I need to get done: passing tests, packing, moving stuff to storage, etc.  But there’s a shift.  Now that I’ve more-or-less settled on the exams (a total of three), I can sort of see the goal ahead.

I’ve pretty much decided, too, that I’ll start with a road trip.  Naturally, the cost of gas is going through the roof, but I think that starting domestically might be the best option.  Get my traveling legs.  Maybe get some sense about me.  I’ve got great situation awareness in the wild, but less so around humans.  Then again, bears don’t run ponzi schemes, they just want the candy bar.

I’ve more-or-less accepted that I’ll be solo.  Still, I might put that info in the profile online.  Maybe I’ll get lucky and find someone who’s just as eager to “get out” as I am.

If not, that’s okay too.  The experiences of the last couple of months have re-taught me to withdraw.  Good or bad, that’s where I’m at.

Whether that’s what’s on the verge of changing I don’t know.  But whatever it is, I think I’m starting to approach the edge.

Soon it will be time to take the leap.

[What I didn’t know at the time was just how much work would be involved in getting to that edge.  I’m bloody exhausted.]