Funny, I’d hoped to be traveling before I finished the pages in this journal, but it appears I’ll run out of pages before I reach my goal.
If I reach my goal.
I think I’ve narrowed down what I have to do: take and pass the exam I’m currently studying for, then study and retake the exam I bombed last winter. If I can accomplish that… I’ll be totally burnt out.
That’s assuming I don’t get fired at work first. I’m now more certain than ever that management wants to get rid of me: I can’t imagine any other reason it would be requested that I write up my own job description.
I’m not too sure what I would do at that point. Stay at home and study/test full time? Move & start travelling immediately? I don’t know.
[In case you’re wondering, the decision to travel now was actually seasonal: It’s August. Not enough time to get a decently priced flight anywhere, but just enough summer & fall left to road trip. And there it is.]
For the moment, I’ll just lie low, keep working, and hope to schedule things on my own timeline. What else can I do?
I really wish I hadn’t bombed that test last winter…
* * *
I’ve had the oddest feeling since getting blown off by the girl last month: I’ve found myself wanting to start dating again.
Of course, this is stupid. After all, I’m currently considering, nay, planning to leave my job and travel the world. I’m thinking of leaving Los Angeles and not returning, and instead trying someplace new.
So, really, it makes no sense to even contemplate the idea of dating again.
Yet, I found myself writing a draft of a new online dating profile. This, despite my feelings of wanting to lock myself away. This, despite the desire not to open myself to anyone.
Frankly, I don’t know what to make of it.
I think part of it is a feeling of isolation. That yearning to have what my parents are lucky to have: strength together. It’s them, together, against the world. I don’t have that. When I came home from work after the job description task was given, I felt very alone. It’s just me against the world at the end of the day.
Maybe it makes me a total looser, but some days I want to come home to someone telling me that it will all be okay. That they still believe in me, like me, support me. That I’m not alone against the challenges of life.
But I don’t know if they’re the right reasons to start dating again. It’s all very selfish, after all. Someone once told me that to be attractive, I really needed to ask myself: what do I bring to a relationship? What do I give to it?
Not easy questions when one is feeling alone against the world.
[There’s a lot of guys who will admit, even boldly proclaim, that a big reason behind their success is the woman they come home to every day. Yet, if you’re single, you’re discouraged from admitting to wanting that in your life; hence all the lines about “needing to be complete by yourself before you can find someone.” Yet no one questions those who fall in love young, even though the young aren’t “complete” at all. Odd, no?]
The GeekHiker 
i question those who fall in love young ;]
By: Piper on August 9, 2011
at 12:50 am
It’s good to see you trying, though! And road trips are awesome, so I hope you are having an excellent time. The more you talk about your old job, the more I hate them. Getting away and breathing fresh air will be good for you.
Some people are lucky enough to fall in love early, but it also seems stressful. All my friends who married in early 20s are all stressed out about money and family stuff. It will be better for us, because 1. we’re know better so we appreciate love when we find it and 2. We know what we want in life and where we’re going and 3. We’ve already made those stupid I’m 20-something and I just spent 1000 dollars on a silly something instead of saving to fix the important something 🙂 When the type of woman you are looking for enters your life, you’ll be able to really enjoy that moment!
By: missmccracken on August 9, 2011
at 4:38 am
“Not enough time to get a decently priced flight anywhere, but just enough summer & fall left to road trip.”
Me thinks you need some tips on how to search for airfare ; )
Also…pick up a nice easy read for your road trip. “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Hard Times” by Pema Chodron. You’ll thank me for it. I promise.
By: hunnerwoof on August 9, 2011
at 9:52 am
I think there’s a fine line between wanting to be with someone and neediness. Your friend who asked what you will bring to a relationship is right – it has to be a balance between what you offer and what you want to receive. I don’t know if every girl is like me, but if I sensed desperation in a guy I went out with, I’d be a little wary of him. Like he was only out to find *someone* to fill the role – not out to really find his perfect match. I’ve been in relationships with the someone-finders and they don’t end well. Being confident and okay with your singleness is far more attractive.
When I was in counseling, my therapist made me do an exercise where I had to write about what would happen if I never met The One and never got married. What would my life be? I cried through the whole thing. But afterwards, I felt so free because I knew I’d be ok. It released a huge weight off my shoulders – I didn’t feel like I NEEDED a husband so much. Maybe it would be worth a try for you? Just to make peace with the idea so you don’t have to fight it so much?
As far as high school relationships go, I think they’re few and far between. Yes, my parents – like yours – are high school sweethearts. But most of the friends I know now who got married young are going through separations and divorces. I think it’s better to be older. We’ll still get 40-50 years with the people we love!
By: Mel Heth on August 9, 2011
at 9:53 am
I officially think Mel Heth is awesome. 🙂
By: missmccracken on August 9, 2011
at 4:35 pm