Want to feel old? Go sit in a coffee shop in a small college town, such as the one I’m sitting in here in San Luis Obispo. It’s the perfect place to watch the youngins, so hard at work yet so full of dreams, and mull over the different paths one’s life might have taken.
I’m good at that. Forever looking back, pondering the choices I made, wondering less about the mistakes and more about the ones I made out of pure stubbornness.
[Surely I can’t be the only one who does that. Can I?]
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I put up a post a couple of weeks back, asking my readers how they make difficult decisions. The responses were intelligent and well-thought-out and, befitting the wide variety of my readers, diverse.
I’ve come to realize, though, that I’ve known the decision I need to make. I’ve known it all along. Which is good, I suppose, given that, as it turns out, the decision is going to be made for me.
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So.
I passed the test. Bravo to me.
And now I’ve reached the division line. The point where I can see, potentially, two paths to take.
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I had a dark moment the other day.
A couple of weeks ago, I was taking a practice exam, and it was not going well. I knew I was failing it, and was feeling stupid as a result. I wondered how I would ever learn everything I needed to know, and even though I know why I’m doing this, if you will, “self-torture”, I wondered why I was doing it.
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I feel… odd.
These past few weeks I’ve felt… I don’t know. Like I’m on the verge of something, though I know not what.
I’m probably a couple of weeks away from taking the next exam. If, and it’s a big if, I should pass it, I’ll go back to studying for the one I failed a few months back. I don’t know how long that might take because I don’t know how much I’ve retained.
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Funny, I’d hoped to be traveling before I finished the pages in this journal, but it appears I’ll run out of pages before I reach my goal.
If I reach my goal.
I think I’ve narrowed down what I have to do: take and pass the exam I’m currently studying for, then study and retake the exam I bombed last winter. If I can accomplish that… I’ll be totally burnt out.
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So, she blew me off. After six weeks of talking, flirting, sharing, and opening up to each other, she blew me off in favor of a guy she met at a party six days ago.
And, really, is any one surprised?
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Well, it’s been a hell of a month.
I’ve started class. So far, it’s going well. It’s nice to have the structure and pacing of a formal class vs. the self-study route. Having assignments and deadlines is actually a relief, taking off the burden of having to constantly motivate oneself all the time.
Whether or not I’ll be able to retain all I need to retain for the test remains to be seen, however.
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The Journal: December, 2010 (2)
Driving north today, on my way to Sacramento for Christmas with my parents.
I’m sitting in the car at a highway viewpoint overlooking the Dos Amigos Pumping Plant on the California Aqueduct. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it, but I’ve endeavored to do all these journal entries outdoors: hikes, picnic tables, park benches, whatever. Along the monotonous I-5 during a rainy trip, this is the closest I can find.
[And, after typing the first few entries at home, I’m now sitting outside on a hike, having hauled a laptop with me and doing transcription at a picnic table in a campground. Less distractions (except for the damn flies…)]
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I seem to have a problem of motivation, of late. I don’t know why.
Today, a Sunday, is a perfect example. I had lots of ideas on what to do today, but couldn’t settle on anything. Instead, I putzed around until noon, deciding and then undeciding on things to do, but ultimately accomplishing nothing until, at least, hunger drove me out of the house.
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The GeekHiker 